3Dimensional Sues Exist
by We Didn't Start the Fire
Summary: What happens when an author sets out to create non-cardboard Sues? Currently publishing old, unfinished material, so please do not expect updates.


Disclaimer: I do not own any characters associated with Harry Potter, because those are owned by J., of course. The OC's belong to me. Um...yeah.

A/N: I apologize for the preponderance of OC's, but none of them are too Sue-ish, I hope. Also, because my computer does funny things when you write "~~~" on a line by itself, all transitions between two places/times/groups of people will be triggered by "Dunh-dunh-dunh!" Because why not?

The air whooshed in her ears as she turned her broom in yet another barrel roll. It was delightful to have this opportunity to simply be at one with her broom, and that was just one of the many reasons she enjoyed Saturdays at Hogwarts.

"Hey, Roz!" came a voice from far below. Rosalind glanced over her shoulder way down below, and, seeing Lily Evans' distinct red-haired form, decided that a little fun was in order.

"What the--?" began Lily as she observed Roz make a vertical u-turn and flip over so she would be right-side-up again. Lily's eyes widened as Roz's broom divebombed straight for her.

"Hahaha!" laughed Roz somewhat maniacally.

"Oh shit," Lily said, and began to run in the opposite direction. She could hear the laughter coming closer and closer behind her, and finally, she felt the air rush past her as Roz swerved just in time to avoid hitting Lily. Roz braked near the ground a few meters away.

Roz was still laughing, though it was more in the nature of giggling now. "You sould have seen the look on your face, Lily!" Roz dismounted the broom gracefully, and pulled off her helmet as she shook her shoulder-length auburn curls out.

"I'll never understand why you wear that thing," Lily said, glancing towards the helmet. It was not a proper flying helmet, but rather a horseback-riding helmet. "It's probably not even SAFE!"

Roz looked offended. "It's been magically enhanced!" she protested. "And besides, it has sentimental value. I wore this helmet when I won second place in the Juniors' Regional Dressage competition." [lol, help me think of a better name for it]

Lily rolled her eyes. It was always the same argument. She and Roz were both Muggle-born, so Lily could sympathize with Roz's preoccupation with objects from, as they called it, "Life Before Hogwarts." However, seeing her friend perform all sorts of acrobatics on broomstick with minimal protection sometimes worried Lily.

"Don't worry!" said Roz cheerfully, snapping Lily out of her train of thought. "If I break my neck while practicing to become a Sky-Ballet performer, you can have my position as the top student in Arithmancy." Lily attempted to look annoyed, but was obviously suppressing a smile. She settled for sticking out her tongue instead. Roz chuckled.

"The Quidditch world could really use you, you know," commented Lily for the umpteenth time.

Roz made a face. "Lily, you know I'm blind as a bat. These are why I used to do dressage, not polo," she said, pointing to her thick glasses by way of indication.

"Bats aren't actually blind," Lily reminded her. "And besides, how hard is it to see something the size of a volleyball and, for good measure, also bright red?" she asked, referring to a Quaffle.

"But Quidditch doesn't take the subtle finesse of Sky-Ballet. Sky-Ballet really is quite like dressage, you know. And Quidditch sucks arse anyway," said Roz as she began to walk back toward the castle, broom and helmet in hand. Lily took the hint and started walking up the grassy slope also.

"It does suck, but don't tell James I said that," Lily agreed.

"You two are so CUTE together!" squealed Roz, changing the topic. "I just can't get over the fact that you're finally a couple! But what did you come down here for, anyway?"

Lily smiled. "To tell you to eat! You haven't been around all day, and knowing you, you haven't even bothered to grab breakfast yet!"

"So?" said Roz with a shrug.

"So it's nearly two in the afternoon! Do you realize how unhealthy that is?"

"Yep, and I don't care." The argument was an old one between the girls, and both knew that it partially sprung from Lily's jealousy of Roz's stick-thin figure. Roz, conversely, wished she could have Lily's curvy body. And having nice STRAIGHT hair to deal with, rather than her own unruly mess of tangles, would be nice too, Roz had reflected on more than one occasion. The discussion of getting Roz to eat more continued all the way up to the castle.

Dunh-dunh-dunh!

At lunch, Lily quickly spotted James sitting over with the other Marauders, and went over to join him. Roz just stood there, feeling slightly abandoned for a moment, until she one of her friends called her over.

"Hey Roz!" yelled a fellow seventh-year Gryffindor girl named Morgan. Roz smiled and set off for that end of the long table. Two of the other girls who shared their dorm, Jasmine and Diane, scooted apart to make room for Roz.

"Aw, did Lily abandon you?" asked Jasmine with mock-sympathy, her eyes twinkling with laughter in her mocha-colored face.

"Yes, and it was horrible," sniffed Roz jokingly.

"We'll have to find a way to get her away from James," said Diane, with a serious tone that seemed out of place. The girls stared at her for a second before bursting out laughing.

"That's a good one, sugar," Jasmine said, patting Diane on the shoulder and demonstrating her annoying habit of calling everyone by various endearments.

"What, what?" asked Diane, her bobbed black hair softly whipping across her face as she turned swiftly from one girl to the other. "Don't you think we should?"

"We could try, but I can tell you right now it isn't happening," stated Morgan with her characteristic bluntness.

"I, for one, wouldn't mind seeing her get together with a non-egomaniac," said Roz.

"Girls, why are we sitting around playing matchmaker for Lily when we could be finding our own boyfriends?" asked Morgan.

"Or, in your case, girlfriend," Diane replied to Morgan. It was well known that the dyke-ish girl with the short blonde hair was a lesbian, a fact which made her none too popular with the Slytherins. The Slytherins seemed to feel that it was Morgan's duty as a pure-blood to carry on the lineage; something she clearly never planned on doing.

"Well, yes," said Morgan, "but that isn't going to happen. Not in the wizarding world, at least. You see, the probability of me finding another lesbian who also happens to be a witch are--"

"One in blah blah blah," finished Jasmine for her, "and therefore you'll have to get together with a Muggle to increase your odds. And since you go around announcing that to the world, the Slytherins hate you even more. We know."

"Hmph," muttered Morgan, annoyed at having her speech taken away from her.

"AHEM!" said Diane, "I hate to interrupt this little whine-fest, but SOME of us do have boyfriends."

Roz snorted. "Snogging Sirius Black once in a broom closet hardly counts as having a boyfriend. Half the girls in this school have done that."

"I wasn't talking about that!" exclaimed Diane. "There's someone in my life you don't know about."

"Your pillow," muttered Morgan, and Roz and Jasmine started snickering.

"I only snogged that pillow on a dare!" protested Diane.

"Fine, who's the lucky guy?" asked Roz with a roll of her eyes.

"Now I'm not telling you," said Diane haughtily. The other three exchanged a look.

"If it's perfectly alright, then, can we continue with planning Lily's life for her?" asked Roz.

"Oh, fine," acquiesced Diane.

"What if she got together with one of those other guys in our year?" asked Morgan.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious!" said Roz sarcastically.

"No really," said Jasmine, "what about that Pettigrew fellow? He's not bad looking,"

"If you can get past those sneaky little eyes of his," said Diane with a shudder.

"Well, at least he has a sense of humility, unlike just about any other boy in our year," Morgan said disdainfully.

"If by humility, then you mean a total lack of self-confidence, then yes," said Roz.

"Still, I think it would be good for our dear Lily to explore other possibilities," Jasmine said.

"How are we going to split up the happy couple, though?" asked Morgan, finally getting down to brass tacks. And the girls spent the remainder of their lunch plotting strategies soon to be revealed.

Dunh-dunh-dunh!

In Herbology the following Monday, the seventh-year Gryffindors and Huffepuffs were pruning Flutterby bushes. The Gyffindors and Hufflepuffs were traditionally paired in Herbology, and both groups were pleased with this arrangement, since they got along well. Although this was a NEWT class, there were enough students who wanted to take Herbology for one reason or another (many simply because it was a relaxing class) that the Slytherins and Ravenclaws had been put in another class. By now, the task of pruning was old to the seventh-years, so students gradually began chatting with one another.

"So remind me again how a Muggle-born like you wound up with a wizardy-sounding name like Rosalind?" a nearby Hufflepuff asked amiably while they began work on potting the ____s.

"Well, you see, my Muggle family was fairly rich --" began Roz. Diane snorted. "--okay, REALLY rich, and they wanted an elegant name for me. Back at home, I live in a world of ridiculously snotty-sounding names, and it would hardly make sense for me to be called --" and here she turned to glared at the snorter "--Diane." Diane stopped giggling and snorting and turned to Roz, eyes widening.

"Hey! That's not fair! It was my dad's mom's name. He was a Muggle. My mom wanted to name me Gaetana, but Dad said she could name their next girl child that."

"Yeah, because 'Gaetana' is a lot better," teased Roz. "I'll bet your little sister's REAL happy about that."

"Well..." said Diane reluctantly, unable to deny that her sister hated her name and usually went by Scooter instead.

"You think you've got it bad," muttered the Hufflepuff.

"What's wrong with Catherine?" asked Roz, puzzled.

"Do you remember what name the Sorting Hat called me by way back when?" asked the Hufflepuff in a confidential whisper. Diane and Roz shook their heads. "Balbina," the girl said, looking at the ground. "Catherine is my middle name."

Diane and Roz could no longer contain their laughter. "BALBINA?!!" exclaimed Roz, a little too loudly. Professor Sprout sent a glare in their direction. Talking quietly was acceptable, but yelling was not.

"More outbursts like that could result in loss of points from Grffyindor, Miss Thompson," Sprout warned Roz tactfully.

Dunh-dunh-dunh!

"So, how was Herbology?" Jasmine asked Roz and Diane, as she caught up with them in the hall.

"Stupid," said Roz.

"Fine," said Diane.

"So either stupid or fine, depending on your point of view?" Jasmine asked.

"Well, I'm really glad I don't actually need this class to become a Sky-Ballet performer, because I honestly don't know how we would learn enough to take the NEWT in it. We're not doing anything new!" complained Roz.

"That's true," said Diane. "I'll never get to be a Healer if I don't pass my NEWT in Herboloby."

"But to be fair, I think Professor Sprout was just trying to go easy on us before the holidays," explained Roz.

"Out of curiousity," said Jasmine, cocking her head slightly as she looked at Roz, which was difficult to do while walking, "what NEWTs DO you need to become a Sky-Ballet performer?"

"Well, er...they want you to have a basic knowledge of magic, so you need the biggies, but other than that, it's based on an audition to get into more specialized training," answered Roz.

"Hey, speaking of flying, did you hear a Gryffindor beater was pulled out of school by her parents because of --" Jasmine looked around and lowered her voice to a confidential whisper "--You-Know-Who?"

"Elizabeth O'Connor? I thought her parents had more sense than that. At least our parents know that we're safer in Hogwarts than anywhere else," said Roz with confidence.

"Actually..." began Diane hesitantly.

"Spit it out!" commanded Roz after a long pause in the conversation.

"Myparentsaretalkingaboutpullingmeout," confessed Diane quickly.

"Pardon?" asked Jasmine. Roz just looked confused. Diane repeated herself a bit more slowly.

"Tell them no!" said Roz, as if it were the simplest thing.

"And weren't you just talking about having to pass your NEWT in Herbology?" asked Jasmine perceptively. Her memory could be annoyingly good at times.

"I can't tell them no. They're my parents, Roz. And, Jasmine, you're right, I guess I really don't have any reason to worry about NEWTs. It's just that I can't accept the reality of it, you know? That I would actually be pulled out of this school just when—" Diane's monologue was interrupted by a shout from down the hall. Lily and Morgan were making their way over quickly.

"Did you hear about Elizabeth?" asked Lily, ever the gossip, as soon as she was close enough to be heard.

"Yes," replied Roz.

"Time to go to Charms!" said a tiny voice emanating from Jasmine's wizarding watch.

"We have to go to Charms," said Jasmine unnecessarily, indicating herself and Diane. "Bye now," and they set off.

"C'mon, we'd better get a move on to Transfig.," pointed out Morgan to Lily and Roz."

"Roz, you HAVE to try out for the beater position on the Quidditch team," said Lily excitedly.

"Didn't we talk about this just last Saturday?" asked Roz, undecided as to whether to be amused or annoyed.

"Yeah, but that was before Elizabeth got taken out of school!" Lily said.

"If I go to tryouts this Saturday, will that make you happy?" asked Roz.

"Ye--" began Lily, but Morgan cut her off.

"Wait a minute," she said. "You have to actually _participate_ in the tryouts. Just going isn't enough."

"Darn," said Roz. "And here I thought that loophole would work."

"Okay, this Saturday, then?" asked Morgan.

"Yep," confirmed Lily. "And I'll tell Diane and Jasmine to be there! You're coming too, Morgan."

"No! I don't want all my friends watching me!" protested Roz.

"Well, too bad. You're stuck with us," said Morgan. They shortly came to the Transfiguration classroom, and so ceased their conversation and went inside.

Dunh-dunh-dunh!

James saw Lily trying to find a seat for dinner with her friends. "Sugar-plum!" he called out rather absurdly.

"Bye guys," said Lily in a slightly resigned tone.

"Lily," Morgan began, arresting Lily with a hand on her shoulder. She and the other girls had discussed it; this was the time to put their plan to split Lily and James up into action. "Don't you think James can come eat with us, for once, rather than you always going to eat with him and his friends?"

"Er…James likes me to sit with his friends," replied Lily sheepishly.

"Don't you see what he's doing to you?" burst in Morgan. "He's like all men – piggish, selfish, and worthless."

"Thank you for that discourse," said Lily dryly. "But I'm not sure I should take advice on men from a lesbian."

Said Jasmine, "Take my advice, then. You may think he's deflated his ego this year, but he still has a long ways to go."

"True…" muttered Lily.

"So why not help the process along a little?" Diane prodded.

"But how?" Lily asked, getting intrigued.

"Break up with him!" said Roz, as though it were a divine revelation.

"Break up with him!" repeated Lily in an equally reverent tone. "Of course!"

"So you'll do it then?" asked Diane in a slightly sinister tone.

"It would break his heart, though," said Lily pensively.

"But you'd get back together with him afterwards, of course," said Jasmine, even though the girls hadn't discussed whether they wanted that to happen or not. Roz gave her a sidelong glance.

"Well, if you girls really think it's what I should do…" Lily trailed off. She saw vigorous nods all around. "Okay, I'll do it tonight." Her friends broke into grins, and Morgan even gave her a hug which lasted slightly too long for Lily to consider it entirely platonic. She certainly hoped her friends weren't breaking her and James up on purpose to get her together with Morgan, because Lily Evans was one hundred percent straight. Naw, she thought, they would never manipulate her like that. She had nearly hit the mark with her speculations, but naïve Lily quickly dismissed the thought that the girls would ever do something like that to her.

Dunh-dunh-dunh!

Later that evening, Lily and James were snogging in a private corner of the Gryffindor common room. Lily knew she shouldn't be leading James on any longer, but she was dreading breaking up with him; she didn't know if she had the resolve to say no to those puppy-dog eyes of his. When these thoughts had occurred to her earlier, she had realized that her inability to say no to James was precisely the reason she needed time away from him. But she knew James would never understand this reason, so she decided she needed something more concrete. It came to her, and suddenly, Lily broke the lip-lock. "James," she began, "I've been thinking about something."

"Mmm..." murmured James, attempting to resume kissing the girl straddling him.

"No, really, James," said Lily, placing her hands firmly on his chest and pushing until he was forced to relax his grip on her waist. "I think...maybe...we need some time apart. There. I said it."

"Hrunk? Hee? Hoga? Hoon?" said James, going into a series of convulsions.

"Time. Apart," Lily repeated the important parts.

"What the – why? No!" James cried, a look of panic coming over his face.

"James," Lily said calmly, her Mary-Sue-colored eyes staring into his, "I love you very much, but being with you all the time is getting a bit...oppressive. I just need some air." James quickly let go of her. Lily rolled her eyes, and couldn't help but chuckle. "I didn't mean literally, James."

"Oh," said James, who was by now too shaken to be chagrined.

"It's not anything you did," elaborated Lily, "it's just that, according to most fanfiction, I've never dated anyone except you. I thought I might like to try seeing someone else."

"You're breaking up with me," James said morosely.

"No," said Lily with a motherly smiile that was meant to be comforting, "it probably won't be a permanent thing. Don't worry, dear," she said, holding him to her and rocking him.

James pulled away after a couple seconds. "Who is he?" James asked, eyes suddenly narrowed.

"Wha--?" said Lily, confused.

"The guy who your cheating on me with," explained James.

"With whom I'm cheating on you," corrected Lily.

"So it's true!" gasped James.

"No! I was just correcting your grammar!" Lily said, alarmed.

"Sure," said James, crossing his arms over his chest, "and the Minister of Magic isn't a wizard."

"Is that like the Pope not being Catholic?" asked Lily quizically.

"Huh?"

"Never mind; Muggle thing," Lily said, correctly remembering to put the semicolon in her sentence. "Anyway, I'm not cheating on you with anyone. Okay?"

"Okay," mumbled James. "This is it, then?" he asked.

"For now," confirmed Lily, removing herself from his lap. She leaned over to give him one last peck on the lips. "Good night, dearest," she said, and proceeded up the stairs to her room.

"What am I going to do?" James asked no one in particular, putting his head in his hands. "Marauders," he said in a hopeful voice after a couple seconds, suddenly lifting his head from his hands. "They'll know what to do," he said cornily. With that, he set off decisively in the direction of…the other side of the room. James found Peter and Remus playing Wizard's Chess, with Sirius commentating for whomever might be listening.

"And the queen takes the knight at E7! Watch her swing that sword! This is a lady you don't want to mess around with, ladies and gentlemen."

"Guys, stop playing! You gotta help me!" said James with desperation audible in his voice. And also with a side of mashed potatos.

"What is it?" asked Remus.

"Lily broke up with me!" wailed James loudly enough for the whole room to hear.

"You're being loud," Peter pointed out.

"Was she cheating on you?" asked Sirius, ever wise in the ways of women.

"That's what I thought," answered James, "but she said no,"

Sirius made a "pshaw"ing noise, and waved his hand airily. "Of course she said no," he said, "why would she admit it?"

"Because she – wait a minute," James interrupted himself, eyes narrowing, "why are you so sure she cheated on me? Are you the git who did it? I'm going to kill you!" James lunged for Sirius' throat. Peter and Remus quickly lept to Sirius' rescue, pulling James off of him.

"You're jumping to conclusions!" cried Peter, trying to keep ahold of James.

James stopped struggling. "I'm fine, let me go," he told Remus and Peter. He was still glaring at Sirius, and as soon as Remus and Peter relaxed their grip on his arms, he went for Sirius again. Fortunatley, the light-haired Marauders were near enough that they were able to quickly grab James.

"I didn't do anything to your precious redhead!" Sirius spat, and stormed off to his dormitory. Remus and Peter let go of James.

"I think you really made him angry," Peter said, "I've never seen him like this."

"You know how Sirius feels about false accusations," Remus said, thus foreshadowing Sirius' stay in Azkaban in a patently obvious manner.

"He ought to be begging for my forgiveness," growled James, glaring off in the direction Sirius had gone.

"Calm down," suggested Remus. "It's not really him you're mad at; it's yourself," he said wisely.

"But he said he--" said James, stopping when he realized that he din't have a vocabulary awful enough to describe what Sirius had allegedly done.

"No, he said he DIDN'T," Remus said gently.

"Besides, he's involved with that Hufflepuff sixth year, and she sticks to him like glue," said Peter. "She'd never let Sirius cheat on her, and believe me, she'd catch him at it. That is one scary girl," he added with a shudder.

"But returning to the topic of James and Lily...or rather, James without Lily," Remus amended, "what precisely did she say, James?"

"Said we needed time apart," mumbled James to the floor.

"Did she say why?" asked Peter.

"Needs air. Wants see other people," said James like a dejected Neanderthal.

"Oh, did she," said Remus rhetorically in a sympathetic way.

"Well, maybe you should see someone else to make her jealous!" suggested Peter.

"Um," said Remus, taken aback.

"Yeah!" said James as his body snapped back into appearing alive. "That's sure to work!"

"Um," said Remus again.

"Who should I go out with to make Lily jealous?" James asked.

"Enough!" cried Remus, suddenly finding words again. "Do you have any idea how ridiculous and cliché this is?"

"Who cares?" said James. "If it works, I'll have Lily back within the hour!" Remus just stared. "Okay, okay, within the week then."

Dunh-dunh-dunh!

Meanwhile, Lily

Lily & Peter-- he is handsome (except for eyes) and trim, though short?

One of girls (my least fav, obviously—Tiff/Diane) gets taken out of Hogwarts due to recent events

Also: Gay Rights mov't in Britain was when? How does this fit in with when/if Morgan came out of the closet? Is she an activist? What is the wizarding world's view of non-hetero orientations? Also: since wizarding folk= small portion of population, and wizarding lesbians=small portion of that small portion, how does that make Morgan feel? Is this why she pines for Lily (openly and humorously, but with deeper undertones)? B/C she has no one? Maybe she anticipates having to get toge'er w/ Muggle? How does this work? How does she meet her love interest? Morgan should be at least ½ and ½ (or Muggle-born, but that's too like Lil) to explain the dance background...I don't expect wizards have much use for dance(or do they? 4th movie Beaux. and Durm. entrances) But perhaps she REALLY hates Slys b/c of their attitude toward muggles. Also, I don't imagine they'd look too kindly on her orientation. She'd be uncloseted anyway, tho, and take the flak. Oh no, not another strong character in the lead...

There should be a Gryffindor loner (gender?) who fits in somehow...b/c even though Grfys are nice and all that, there are some people who just like to be alone...or DO they like it? Dunh dunh dunh!

Snape's presence-- minimal or important? Love interest? (Snape + girlfriend? GASP!)

Lucius is around? Here's a twist: he could be YOUNGER than the main chars. Narcissa older than him=interesting...

Who else? Bellatrix exists. Dorcas, Marlene?...etc Death Eaters and OotP members...other houses (not Gryf) for OotP members...Death Eaters don't all have to be Slys unless it's canon...

comes from rich MUGGLE family, which is why she rides horses extremely well, and led to her riding the broom extremely well. Also, she used to be a real snob before she saw the way Slys looked down on her. (but the Sorting Hat figured out who she was underneath, and thus put her into Gryffindor)

why she no play quidditch? Can't catch; joke about "that's why I used to do dressage, not polo"

also: tries out for quidditch, gets hurt almost immediately by bludger and sent to hospital wing. when friends wee her there, she jokes that "I didnt' even last five minutes." before work w/ bludgers, have to fly around pitch once, to prove can fly (see book 6) and she plays around doing stunts. capt of team notices this, and singles her out for first person to try bludger work.

Later: Lily finds out about the girls' "plan" and gets pissed that they manipulated her (successfully)


End file.
